I decided to sum up how to be the most annoying person on social media by writing this letter. Consider it a fabulous litmus test to be used to see how annoying you are (or I am), on a scale of 0 to COMPLETELY, to others on social media. ENJOY!
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Y’ALL.
Today.
Ugh.
Worst. Day. Ever. Don’t ask me what happened; I can’t talk
about it. But it was awful. Like, horrible. Seriously, you wouldn’t even believe the thing that happened. That I
can’t talk about. So don’t ask. (But your jaw would drop!)
I guess you figure out who your true friends are when things
get tough. Life has been hard for me lately, and the people I thought were my
friends have shown that they have better stuff (or people) to worry about. You
know who you are. It’s time to go
through my friends list on Insta and FB. If you can still see my feeds
tomorrow, then it means that I know you’re a true friend. Or that I am keeping you as a friend for the
sole purpose of maintaining the ability to stalk your personal life without you
knowing. Also, if you don’t accept my Candy Crush requests, consider yourself
out of the inner circle of trust. Any hater of Candy Crush is no friend of
mine.
Some of you might remember that I went to the Caribbean
recently. I was thinking of hosting a picture party so you could all see what a
fabulous time you didn’t have, but instead I’ve decided to fill your entire
Insta feed with pictures of turquoise beaches, mixed drinks, and selfies of me
in a bikini. Don’t worry, I only have 137 pictures to share, so it shouldn’t
take you too long to look through them and hate your own life. And body.
Keep an eye out for a FB invite from me to come to a
cleaning supply party at my house. I swore I’d never sell pyramid-scheme
crapola, but when I found out about these products I was sold! LADIES, we HAVE
to stop cleaning our homes with CHEMICALS! Instead of 409, you should try this
special blend of chemical-free home cleaner. It’s made with a special blend of
essential oil that is extracted from the Amazon rainforest, Mother Teresa’s
saliva (it was bottled before her death and is more precious than gold),
and water from the fountain of life. You can get a sample-sized bottle to try
for only $99. I know it seems pricey, but maintaining a chemical-free home for
your family is priceless. Am I right? We will also be showcasing a radical new
dietary supplement called the vegetable, which has the potential to help you
lose weight and get healthy if ingested daily. Get excited to learn and improve
your health, ladies!
Speaking of health, I’m now vegan. It’s something all of you
should consider. I just feel so good and my body is LOVING IT. Good news? I am
SO regular and I crave only raw plants, tree bark, and soil. Bad news? I can’t
eat anything that tastes good and my molars are ground down to nubs. It’s
really super-great. I could go on and on about it, and I probably will. Also,
here’s a picture of my lunch:
This morning I went out for a quick run. I love the fresh
air and the burst of dopamine I get when I take a few minutes out of my day to
take care of myself. Also, I have an app that will post to social media and
show you just how far I ran so you can be amazed.
Don’t judge me. My pace was a little slower than normal
because I’m nine months pregnant. This baby’s really slowing me down!
I went shopping earlier for something to wear to my friend’s
wedding. I found the cutest little black dress. You can never go wrong with a
LBD. #LBD #LittleBlackDress #ADressThatIsBlackAndLittle #Dresses #Fashion
#OnSale #Shopping #Weddings #Clothes #NotNaked #etc
This afternoon we had a major celebration in our home!
Little Timmy did his first #2 on the potty! He’s been going wee-wee without
reminders for several weeks, but he just couldn’t seem to make it to the potty
without soiling his undies. I’m including a photo of his first pooper in the
potty so you can rejoice with us!
Kidding. I just couldn't do that to you all.
Lastly, y’all, I’m just so thankful. I have such an amazing
man, such amazing friends (you know who you are, and who you aren’t), and so much to be inspired
about. I could’ve been born in some other place or time, but I wasn’t. Other
people were. But not me. Because I’m #blessed.
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